Do You Need a Divorce?

In A Perfect World, There Would Be No Divorce Attorneys

We live in an era of disposable relationships. Everywhere we look, people are shedding themselves of their mates. The 1970s were the most prolific years for divorce. Across the country, about 65% of all marriages failed during that time period. People were dumping their mates for subtle reasons such as “we’ve grown apart.” Divorce has a profound effect on children who are now old enough to marry. Their rates of marriage are at all-time lows as the divorce rate has flattened out to about 43%.

Someone once said that we treat our spouses like we do our socks, discarding them after light use. Only we're much nicer to the socks, since we don't actually throw them out but simply toss them where they won't be in the way. To continue the analogy, an increasing number of us are going bare-footed, choosing not to commit to any particular pair of socks. Alabama has one of the lowest rates of people living together without being married, but even here the number of cohabitating couples is staggering.

There's Too Much Divorce

No matter how many people marry and divorce in Alabama these days, the process of dissolving families has taken a devastating toll. Adults become alienated from each other and their children, and many of those children never fully recover. Divorce's ripple effect on the social fabric of our society can be seen in problems relating to our schools, the incidence of crime, teen pregnancy and other unpleasant facts of life. Social science researchers disagree about the long-term effects of divorce on a nation of adult survivors of their own parents' marital problems, but you can be assured that none of them feel divorce is a good thing.

Because of the detrimental effects of divorce, we would encourage anyone to avoid it if possible. Anyone contemplating such a move should make use of every resource -- marital or individual therapy, substance abuse counseling, the words of a pastor or the guidance of a close friend or advisor -- to avoid the breakup of the marriage. In a perfect world, resources like these would keep more marriages together, and we would practice in another area of the law. But this isn't a perfect world, and many marriages cannot be salvaged. If all efforts to save a marriage have been exhausted and divorce is inevitable, you should work toward what we call a successful divorce, one handled with diligence and care.

Myth of the "Kind" Spouse

When divorce becomes unavoidable, most of us hope that we will continue to love and respect each other, and that we will conduct ourselves in a kind and understanding manner. But kindness can be in short supply during a divorce. Much to your dismay, you may find that a "kind" spouse can take advantage of you, fight to obtain custody of your children and do whatever is necessary to acquire your most valuable assets. For this reason, you must recognize that what happens to you in a divorce depends on your own actions. The person on the other side of the divorce may seem to be far ahead of you in thought about the situation. You must take every opportunity to protect yourself.

Initially, you may refuse to believe your soon-to-be ex might fight you at every turn, or that the person you shared your life with would refuse to do what you believe in your heart is right. You may be in for a terrible shock when your family's former breadwinner refuses to pay child support or fights for custody of the children. You may refuse to believe that your kind and loving soon-to-be ex is having an affair or is hiding assets. The shock can transform into rage when you discover this information after you've executed a settlement agreement on terms that might not have been agreeable to you if you had just known.

As a divorce firm, we deal with a lot of family heartache. When we work to reach a settlement, my ultimate goal is to resolve the divorce with the least amount of disruption possible, especially when young children are involved. However, both parties must be willing to settle. If one party is willing to settle the case, and the other party refuses to accept the fact that a spouse is entitled to a fair distribution of the assets under the divorce, settlement is unlikely. At that point, you may be entering into a war zone and you must ready yourself for a battle of wills that may seem unnecessary but will happen nonetheless. To effectively wage that battle, you must have lawyers who are capable and willing to aggressively litigate on your behalf. Without the willingness to push through the court system, you probably will not be able to settle.

We remember one man who refused to accept that his wife of more than 20 years was entitled even to her clothes, since they were in what he considered his house. Never mind that they both worked to pay for the house and the wife's name was on the deed. The divorce was her idea, so he felt she should just leave. He thought he was generous, allowing her to escape with the clothes on her back. In a case like this, settlement is often impossible. This kind of inflexible attitude hurts both parties. The woman was dismayed that she had to fight so hard for what rightfully was hers. No matter how much punishment the man inflicted on his long-time mate, in the end he was convinced that she had taken advantage of him.

The Battle Keeps Raging

If your spouse is obstinate during the divorce, this behavior doesn't usually end when the judge drops his gavel. Many cases result in post-divorce litigation, either dealing with custody of children or the handling of property that remains in the names of both parties. Changes in the access of parents to their children can be especially sticky, and one party may decide to block the renovation or sale of property merely to anger the other.

If you are contemplating a divorce, are already in the middle of one, or would like to make changes to a divorce that's already granted, recognize this may be a disaster in the making. You need to get sound advice on every decision, and you want that advice from an expert. Your family and friends are not experts in divorce. Dr. Phil may have advised attorneys in the past, but he is not an attorney and is not knowledgeable about the laws that govern your marriage and divorce.

Someone needs to inform you that for purposes of this action alone, your spouse is now the enemy. You are entering a battlefield called the legal system and are about to go to war. If the war starts, you need to be ready, know the rules and prepare to face the consequences of battle.